im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
