If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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