And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
