I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
