just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
