Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
