Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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