90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
