I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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