Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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