I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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