i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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