omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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