omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
