the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
