I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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