Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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