Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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