true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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