my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
