wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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