He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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