I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do vagina's smell?
i will never coherently bang her
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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