tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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