A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
