i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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