Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
