I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We just shotgunned beers for America
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
