Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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