i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We got so high we made milksteak
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
