I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
