I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
She said her name was "party"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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