I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
