So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
