my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
