whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
