you didnt know i had herpes?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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