i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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