There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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