I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
