I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
