this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
