Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
