thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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