I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
