When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
