dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I wish you could order shots online.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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