i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
