woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
