dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dick very happy bro
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
