those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
cat food counts as protein by the way
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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