The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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