I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
