My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
