Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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