So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up under a house in Key West
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
